You wake up, go to your job, talk to your friends, make some things, brush your teeth, get some sleep, and dream about bear/clown fights. Well, whoop-de-do. While hippies like you are content to simply "be", a whole team of awesome people — scientists, medical doctors, mathematicians (euclidean and non-euclidean), wizards, engineers, wizgineers, carpenters, horse breeders, cockswains, and Italians — are bringing to market new! and exciting! things that you've never even once considered wanting. But if you're like me, these things will bring simple joy to your life. Another reason why Planet Earth is dominating the faces of those other dumb planets.
Fortunately, you've got me to buy these things for you. Here are a couple standouts in the ever-evolving world of New!
Diet Coke PlusI think we've all said this: what Diet Coke needs is vitamins, and not tasting bad. Well, it's mostly here!
Oh yeah, hot stuff? Pepsi isn't going to take this sitting down! LOAD THE CAFFEINE CANNON!
Doritos X-13DIn one of the most ingenious marketing experiments in recent memory, the Doritos team managed to craft an almost disturbing simulacrum of a popular food item, that they knew nobody would buy. So, they branded it a beta: Doritos X-13D are perhaps the first chips I've ever purchased that gave no indication, save for a vague hint, of their flavor.
I'm not going to tell you what these chips taste like. That's because Doritos will pay me 13 cents for every bag you buy.
I will however tell you these three things. These chips are unexpectedly delicious but in a very, very disturbing way. They will make your hands smell for days. And they taste exactly like a Big Mac.
Here's a related, amusing story. Apparently the local news ran an item on a vegetarian who bought a bag of these chips, ate them all, then became totally outraged as he looked at the label and discovered the chips contain some beef-based ingredients. Hot tip for people with dietary requirements: read a label before eating a food. BURN. "So what if I have a deadly peanut allergy? What could be weird about new Funyuns AB-4320LL/A? Sounds like pure tasty!"
Froot Loops Cereal StrawsQuestion: what has a fruity lining and is approximately six inches long? Answer: a highly inappropriate joke!
With 24 cereal wafer straws per package, this might be the most amazing new product of recent product memory. ("They're just piroulines!", cries Les.)
The Movie Star, And The Rest
One last note! I got an e-mail from Alexandra Johnson of Coburn Communications, suggesting I let you readers know about NEW Del Monte Fruit Chillers! Del Monte Fruit Chillers is the first of its category — this is sorbet that you buy in the canned fruit aisle, and freeze and eat at your convenience! So no more rushing home from the grocery store! The perfect fast grab snack for moms and dads on the go! Fruit Chillers also offers many other benefits, such as fat free and some others. I hope you enjoy this picture of Del Monte Fruit Chillers. Thanks, Alexandra Johnson! Please ask around if maybe you can send me free things thanks