New! Product Update

You wake up, go to your job, talk to your friends, make some things, brush your teeth, get some sleep, and dream about bear/clown fights. Well, whoop-de-do. While hippies like you are content to simply "be", a whole team of awesome people — scientists, medical doctors, mathematicians (euclidean and non-euclidean), wizards, engineers, wizgineers, carpenters, horse breeders, cockswains, and Italians — are bringing to market new! and exciting! things that you've never even once considered wanting. But if you're like me, these things will bring simple joy to your life. Another reason why Planet Earth is dominating the faces of those other dumb planets.

Fortunately, you've got me to buy these things for you. Here are a couple standouts in the ever-evolving world of New!

Diet Coke Plus

I think we've all said this: what Diet Coke needs is vitamins, and not tasting bad. Well, it's mostly here!

Oh yeah, hot stuff? Pepsi isn't going to take this sitting down! LOAD THE CAFFEINE CANNON!

Doritos X-13D

In one of the most ingenious marketing experiments in recent memory, the Doritos team managed to craft an almost disturbing simulacrum of a popular food item, that they knew nobody would buy. So, they branded it a beta: Doritos X-13D are perhaps the first chips I've ever purchased that gave no indication, save for a vague hint, of their flavor.

I'm not going to tell you what these chips taste like. That's because Doritos will pay me 13 cents for every bag you buy.

I will however tell you these three things. These chips are unexpectedly delicious but in a very, very disturbing way. They will make your hands smell for days. And they taste exactly like a Big Mac.

Here's a related, amusing story. Apparently the local news ran an item on a vegetarian who bought a bag of these chips, ate them all, then became totally outraged as he looked at the label and discovered the chips contain some beef-based ingredients. Hot tip for people with dietary requirements: read a label before eating a food. BURN. "So what if I have a deadly peanut allergy? What could be weird about new Funyuns AB-4320LL/A? Sounds like pure tasty!"

Froot Loops Cereal Straws

Question: what has a fruity lining and is approximately six inches long? Answer: a highly inappropriate joke!

With 24 cereal wafer straws per package, this might be the most amazing new product of recent product memory. ("They're just piroulines!", cries Les.)

The Movie Star, And The Rest

One last note! I got an e-mail from Alexandra Johnson of Coburn Communications, suggesting I let you readers know about NEW Del Monte Fruit Chillers! Del Monte Fruit Chillers is the first of its category — this is sorbet that you buy in the canned fruit aisle, and freeze and eat at your convenience! So no more rushing home from the grocery store! The perfect fast grab snack for moms and dads on the go! Fruit Chillers also offers many other benefits, such as fat free and some others. I hope you enjoy this picture of Del Monte Fruit Chillers. Thanks, Alexandra Johnson! Please ask around if maybe you can send me free things thanks


You didn't mention Polan... er, the fact that Diet Pepsi MAX (extreme?) also includes double the caffeine, in case you need it.

Also, your product posts are consistently hilarious. Thank you.
Anonymous Paul 6/19/2007 10:29 PM  
Stop being so awesome. I'm serious. Stop it.

Just kidding!
Anonymous Anonymous 6/19/2007 10:32 PM  
Thanks for making my life a happier place.
Blogger Stublag 6/19/2007 10:33 PM  
You have got to be shitting me about the duct tape one. It's made up. It's not real.
Blogger Cory 6/19/2007 10:45 PM  
Man, Cabel, any junk food companies that come out with new products must totally be flocking to this weblog. You sure you're not making any cuts from all these promotions?

;) Just kidding.
Blogger Simone 6/19/2007 10:50 PM  
When I read the title of this post in my feed reader I got super excited, thinking that maybe it was the long awaited update to Transmit that brings the speed, etc... that Coda experiences.

Good post but... bummer.
Anonymous Anonymous 6/19/2007 11:07 PM  
Am I alone in thinking that Pepsi Summer Mix is actually pretty good?
Anonymous Alex 6/19/2007 11:12 PM  
Byahaha, cereal straws! yeeeeep
Anonymous chriskalani 6/19/2007 11:17 PM  
Does Diet Coke Plus taste exactly the same as regular Diet Coke? If not, what's the difference. We need details, man!!!
Blogger Sean 6/19/2007 11:27 PM  
Sean: A fair question, and I'll elaborate: Diet Coke Plus is essentially Diet Coke, with added "vitamins and minerals" (1), that tastes a whole lot better than regular Diet Coke but still not as normal as actual Coke. I actually think, diet-soda wise, it's pretty good.
Blogger Cabel 6/19/2007 11:33 PM  
I found it extremely entertaining that you thought the X-13 Doritos taste like Big Macs, because that's what myself and several of my buddies thought as well. Good show :)
Blogger Jim 6/20/2007 4:34 AM  
Chuck Palahniuk wrote in his book "Fugitives & Refugees" that everyone in Portland has three lives.

You seem to be exceeding that number.
Anonymous Anonymous 6/20/2007 6:50 AM  
Man, regular Doritos aren't even vegeterian, if you care about the stomach lining thing (yaaaaaaay rennet!). Uninformed consumers + outrage + local news = the pageantry of the commons.
Blogger Drew 6/20/2007 7:57 AM  
I'm glad you got your hands on X-13D. I think it is the best product name EVER. We need more names like that.

It's also great that they don't just taste like hamburgers, they taste specifically like McDonald's hamburgers. Amazing.
Anonymous Anonymous 6/20/2007 8:02 AM  
Hey, mere days from bugging you to talk about x-13 and I get it with a bonus Apple Model Number joke. And with a WWDC in that time too. Now that's "customer" service!
Blogger vortech 6/20/2007 8:48 AM  
Keep these kind of posts coming, Cabel.
Man, you Americans sure have a lot of crazy food. Some disgusting, but all crazy. And who can't enjoy food that doesn't need preparation? I know I like that.
Blogger Andreas 6/20/2007 10:00 AM  
...effortlessly remaining the best blog on the internets. cabel for president?

oh, and update your copyright notice way down here, man.
Anonymous superbiate 6/20/2007 11:46 AM  
That is funny about the vegetarian who got all upset about the Doritos. I am always scoping out new snacks to find out which are vegan or not. Turns out, according to the ingredients, those organic oreos are vegan. That is dangerous information. Just as dangerous as finding out that the peanut butter double stuff oreos are, somehow, vegan!
Anonymous Brian Middleton 6/20/2007 11:52 AM  
Where do you find these gastronomical wonders?!
Anonymous Anonymous 6/20/2007 3:27 PM  
Cabel, how in the world do you get to test all of these great products? We NEVER get stuff like this in Cincinnati, OH. I would love to beta test new Doritos flavors....can you hook me up?
Anonymous Frank 'viperteq' Young 6/20/2007 5:45 PM  
Hmmm. When we got those Doritos, we immediately though "Burger King Whopper." You see, I intensely dislike mustard or any related isotope thereof. Whoppers have mustard, thus, they are on the "no, thanks" list. Big Macs, on the other hand, have no mustard, only "special sauce" (insert obligatory "special sauce" joke here). Those Doritos most definitely have a mustard-y sort of flavorish thing going on. So, we're going with Whopper, not Big Mac.
Anonymous Steven Jarvis 6/20/2007 8:38 PM  
must buy all things new, edible, eatable, and awesome!! need longer list!?!??! must have big mac flavored doritos!!
Anonymous Reaper 6/20/2007 8:51 PM  
What about Coke Zero?

It certainly taste better than Diet Coke. And is really close to Classic Coke.
Anonymous Anonymous 6/21/2007 5:02 PM  
snap. nice new stuff, kiddo.

i think x-13d are good for one chip, but then they get pretty gross past chip 3.

i also think diet coke plus tastes pretty gross, but i keep buying it (BECAUSE I NEED VITAMINS!).

now i think those wild white nacho are pretty dang tasty. i like my doritos milder.

also , chocolate gum....there is a reason we haven't had this product on the shelf. i had to spit it out pretty quickly (something happened later in the day and then i had like 3 more pieces in my mouth at once....oh well).
Anonymous steve schroeder 6/22/2007 6:45 AM  
Those Strawberry Milkshake Oreos are of the devil. They really need to stop.

Those new colas with the added vitamins might be not such a good idea - it's on the internet so it must be true.
Anonymous matt 6/22/2007 7:12 AM  
Mmm...Deli Creations...*drools*.
Anonymous Pyro 6/23/2007 6:29 PM  
did you hear about Pepsi Ice Cucumber coming soon in Japan?
Anonymous Steve Schroeder 6/26/2007 11:45 AM  
I tried the Doritos today. They were ... interesting. The packaging made it look like it should contain bits of metal or rocket fuel or something.
Anonymous Anthony 6/27/2007 8:49 PM  
Amazing finds!
Blogger dalas v. 6/30/2007 11:36 AM  
Did you know they have Cinnamon SunChips now?
Blogger Chris Foresman 7/02/2007 11:13 AM  
i like diet coke =]
Anonymous Muzikgurl52 (a.k.a) Kittykat252 7/13/2007 6:40 PM  
Oh, sweet virginal mother of God, cereal straws! I have so got to try those with Dr. Pepper.
Anonymous Anonymous 7/14/2007 1:46 AM  
We Italians invented the best food in the world. You should quit eating and drinking junk food, eat spaghetti!
Anonymous Anonymous 7/16/2007 5:48 AM  
Living in the UK I might never find out what the disturbing Doritos taste of..but your description reminds me of our very own 'Scampi flavoured fries'. If you are ever over here be sure to find some. Disturbing taste/smelly hands/reminds you of a xxxx/yet strangely very good indeed!
Blogger Julian 7/25/2007 8:07 AM  
Avoid QUORN whenever possible.
It is made from engineered mold.
The QUORN prople would prefer that you think its made from mushrooms.
Same food group right?
Vegetarians beware!
Anonymous Anonymous 9/30/2007 7:52 AM  
hi guys well (cable you are awesome btw u always make me eel good about myself i duno why)

u know its driving me crazy the fact that u r a single guy living in such a clean house(although your personal life are shrouded in mystery) anyways i like your reviews so much so keep on the good work mate!
Anonymous Anonymous 10/03/2007 2:09 PM  

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Name:Cabel Maxfield Sasser
Job:Co-Founder, Panic Inc.
Location:Portland, OR